I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my shit smells like andre
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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