I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
