i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
