1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
