this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize