my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
