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Fuck
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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