I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
