Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
