I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
