Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
