i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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