i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize