remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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