Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
