I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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