We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
