So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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