So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize