youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
