So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
