a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
