I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Randomize
