ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
