Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
