look no pants
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i barfeds in our rink
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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