i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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