apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
