My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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