I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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