Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
