I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
