If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
