my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize