I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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