he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
