i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
