I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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