My first STD was from a foam party
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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