i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He? As in you personified your dick?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
