Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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