Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think I won the penis lottery.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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