My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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