I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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