This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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