I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
