Someone shit on the floor
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
