the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
