I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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