oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
