***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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