The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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