I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
