Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
