I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
