Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
