Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize