so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
