Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
