Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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