If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
