She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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