Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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